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Lewis Black Quotes

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism Picture Quote #1

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people Picture Quote #1

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast Picture Quote #1

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should Picture Quote #1

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people Picture Quote #1

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation Picture Quote #1

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked Picture Quote #1

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist Picture Quote #1

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation Picture Quote #1

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff Picture Quote #1

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo Picture Quote #1

I hammer on a theme until I’m tired of it and the audience is tired of it Picture Quote #1

I’m not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I’m not. So it’s hard for me to come up with things, because I don’t write stuff, I don’t write my act down Picture Quote #1

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don’t have to show up to work until 14 hours later Picture Quote #1

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever Picture Quote #1

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka Picture Quote #1

Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that’s the reason my act has become more political. I’ve become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I’ve watched is staggering Picture Quote #1

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It’s just a guarantee Picture Quote #1

Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have Picture Quote #1

You want to know what it’s like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over Picture Quote #1

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster Picture Quote #1

It’s a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you’re pursuing that, you’re an idiot. You’re a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity Picture Quote #1

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty Picture Quote #1

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It’s your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn’t mean they bought the rest of your life Picture Quote #1

What I’ve found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don’t know how to socialize. I don’t want to deal with that group Picture Quote #1

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you’re slamming your head against the wall. So it’s nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding Picture Quote #1

When we anticipate, we’re the happiest. Unless you’re on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can’t anticipate. You think everything’s going to be horrible, so it usually is Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Text Quotes

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism (Lewis Black Quotes) I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people (Lewis Black Quotes) I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast (Lewis Black Quotes) I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should (Lewis Black Quotes) I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people (Lewis Black Quotes) I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation (Lewis Black Quotes) I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked (Lewis Black Quotes) If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist (Lewis Black Quotes) My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation (Lewis Black Quotes) When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff (Lewis Black Quotes) You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo (Lewis Black Quotes) I hammer on a theme until I’m tired of it and the audience is tired of it (Lewis Black Quotes) I’m not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I’m not. So it’s hard for me to come up with things, because I don’t write stuff, I don’t write my act down (Lewis Black Quotes) I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don’t have to show up to work until 14 hours later (Lewis Black Quotes) There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever (Lewis Black Quotes) I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka (Lewis Black Quotes) Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that’s the reason my act has become more political. I’ve become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I’ve watched is staggering (Lewis Black Quotes) I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It’s just a guarantee (Lewis Black Quotes) Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have (Lewis Black Quotes) You want to know what it’s like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over (Lewis Black Quotes) If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster (Lewis Black Quotes) It’s a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you’re pursuing that, you’re an idiot. You’re a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity (Lewis Black Quotes) My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty (Lewis Black Quotes) No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It’s your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn’t mean they bought the rest of your life (Lewis Black Quotes) What I’ve found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don’t know how to socialize. I don’t want to deal with that group (Lewis Black Quotes) What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you’re slamming your head against the wall. So it’s nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding (Lewis Black Quotes) When we anticipate, we’re the happiest. Unless you’re on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can’t anticipate. You think everything’s going to be horrible, so it usually is (Lewis Black Quotes)

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